on lumberjacks and heartbreakers

Big D. Grew. A. Beard.

Wow.

I was told, just not long ago, by Emo-tastic A that Big D was definitely the better looking of the two in the relationship. First of all, really? I mean, I’m not that easy on the eyes, but … really? I never thought that he was hot stuff… In any case, that balance is finally thrown out the window, because he’s got massive facial hair right now… and his hair is pretty long… It’s rather strange, but I guess… It’s a good change for him… good change for us?

Or maybe not. Because now I can’t stop thinking of him… and his new look as a lumberjack.

We’ve been emailing back and forth a couple of times now, and I have been almost regularly sending him picture text messages. I’m reluctant to tell him about Bboy A… would it seem like I was rubbing it in his face? (Honestly, maybe I am, a little.) Or is it because I’m not actually over D… and basically lied to A when I said I wouldn’t get back with Big D if given the chance… (in a I’m-scared-shitless kind of way, maybe.)

no regrets, right?

on the topic of me being rejected from United World Colleges

him: I can see how you would be the perfect UWC candidate.

me: Really? Why?

him: Because you’re suffocatingly enthusiastic about everything.

弱智

So I spent the last 10 minutes discussion a complex dilemma with Indie C and Nerdy B regarding my energy levels and whether or not I should try to make it to that Probability class (I know, 4th week of classes and I’m already trying to play hooky). When we finally decided that I should try to get to class, we had to explore other options of keeping me awake. It went down in a pretty ridiculous fashion…

Indie C: I think you should get coffee and go to class.

Me: Ok… but I’d hate to crash from coffee… and it’s like 6 o’clock already.

C: Well, then, just get some tea.

M: Tried that.. and I still almost fell asleep in Java. Why don’t I get decaf coffee?

Nerdy B: Doesn’t that defeat the purpose?

M: No! I mean, I just want a little bit of caffeine, since I’m not used to it… there is still a small amount of caffeine in decaf! They can’t get all of it out.

B: Yeah, but I don’t think trace amounts actually count.

M: Well, I’m pretty sensitive to caffeine… and plus, placebo effect, hello?!

C: You’re trying to get caffeinated from decaf? That is so messed up.

Eventually, after more back-and-forths and me laughing my ass off because I’m stupid like that, I finally got some hot chocolate. Yum.

08-08-08

on the topic that Bboy A and I got together on the day that Big D and I were “planning” to get married.

Emo-tastic A: You’ve got like, some kind of weird obsession with 8, eh?

Me: Yeah, I guess.

A: Is it like some kind of food fetish? Like, the past tense of eat?

M: Or oral sex.

Is this it?

So I just got off skype with Emo-tastic A… after talking to him for waaaaaay too long. -___-”
And I was all pensive and shit about crap that is way too complicated.
(Talking to my past has that effect on me sometimes. Damnit.)
And I’m kind of freaking out because I have so much work to do tomorrow it’s unreal.

Fuck. What am I doing?

I learned tonight that I’m not completely over Big D, that he was some kind of big shot in high school, that he was the better looking of us two… It’s not that I’d want to get back together with him… at this point, it’s hardly possible and it would be so destructive for me. But maybe I just miss our physicality? The way we connected? Will it get better between me and Bboy A? Was it ever this… awkward… or… whatever this is with Big D?

Bboy A told me that he missed me over the phone today, and even though I missed him a lot today, I just couldn’t say it. I tell him all the time, though text messages, e-mails… but putting it into words is a lot harder than either of those. Maybe it’ll remind me too much of the sweet words between me and Big D… I stared at Bboy A’s lips the last time we made out, from the nose down, he looks exactly like Big D… maybe all boys do. Making out with Bboy A is messy, jarred, and at times… too urgent. Maybe I just need to give it time. But, do I like him enough to give us that luxury?

Long distance relationships bite. One-sided relationships suck even more. Thanks, Big D.

Dorothy Allison

at the “What is Feminist Politics Now? Local and Global”

“The next thing I know, my back is in spasm, my knees are up to my neck. I may be having sex or I may be dying. With me, I never know.”

“No, no, I am not a lesbian, I am a dyke.”

“Now, I’m almost post-menopausal. And I’m praying for a hot flash because I’m freezing.”

collage

from the dimly-lit 104 Jerome Green Hall

Collage: from the French “coller”, which means to glue, to stick…

I’ve always been fascinated by art which requires deconstruction. There is something incredibly poetic about creation emerging from destruction, almost like a phoenix or a rebirth… because art always appears to be a birthing process, in which something beautiful emerges from a person. The word “collage” is so interesting because it specifically only refers to the sticking process, the steps that the artist takes to put together her work of art. The word, as is, entirely neglects the destruction that happens presumably minutes before, where a pair of scissors (or another cutting utensil) was put to another piece of material… and for many collages, this material is in fact another piece of art (think of yourself cutting up magazine to make a collage of yourself for grade school).

Destruction is so necessary for creation, and in that way, destruction is beautiful in itself. There’s beauty in breakdown.