There is no such thing as love or hate; there is only passion.
I think I’ve come to terms with not ever getting over Big D… I had a dream about him last night, but the funny thing is, my mind created a person just like him, who wasn’t actually him. Throughout the dream, I kept telling the mystery character that he reminded me of Big D.
So without being able to ever get over him completely, I think what we’re doing now (ie. no contact whatsoever) might just be the way it’ll have to be. I don’t want to entertain the idea of getting back together, but the truth is, I can’t help but wonder how good it will be. Even as I bounce between love and hate, passion and apathy, I can’t help but wonder if I like him, or the idea of him. I worry that I get too caught up in the ideals of what we were and what we could’ve been and that I lose sight of the people we actually are. At the end of it all, does that even make a difference? If I am obsessed with the idea of us more than his actual person, then, so be it. Wouldn’t I be just as happy?
Maybe there is no breakthrough after all. Maybe this is what it is, what it has been, and what it will continue to be. Fuck.
