Getting my Physics midterm back today was somewhat anti-climatic. It may have been over-confident of me, seeing as I barely studied, but I fully expected a perfect grade. The red-penned 90% glared back and took me down from the high caused by half a cappuccino and a last-minute problem set. In terms of Physics 1602, 90% is far from a terrible grade. In fact, it will hardly affect me at all because the professor drops the lower of the two midterm grades. I just couldn’t shake the disappointment in my ability not only to absorb information well, but to be able to think well on the spot. Although I knew I will not be the star student I was in CEGEP, a proud part of me couldn’t help but feel like I could still coast on a trail of impressive accomplishments.
I had expected to stop caring about grades once I got here. Here, as in, an Ivy League school for which my very Asian parents could be proud of. But it surprises me, time and time again, when I get back something less than an A and I sink into a moment of anxiety for my future. There are valid reasons of course; I need to maintain a proper GPA to get a fellowship or into an appropriate graduate program. But sometimes I feel like I’m so conditioned to care solely about my grades that I will never be able to shake out of that. Maybe not so much grades, but just… evaluations in general. Once I get out of college, there will always be graduate school, possible dissertation, work evaluations… I can hardly think of a point in life when I could stop getting graded on what I do.
The problem is, when can I stop caring so much that it actually hinders my ability to enjoy the moment? I have a hard time letting go of this over-achieving rational that has been instilled in me for so long, and honestly, staying on top of my game gets really tiring after 20 years, never mind 40 or 80… Maybe the challenge, rather than being the way to free myself from judgment, is to manage the overwhelming urge to bring myself down. Big D always asked me if I truly enjoyed what I was doing, or if I was just doing it for the positive feedback. Sometimes I think he might be onto something… but in the end, it’s what I choose to do with my reactions. Someday I’ll choose to not care… but for now, I guess I’ll just have to keep playing the game.
