resolutions: the better-late-than-never edition
January 12, 2010I’ve never been a fan of New Year’s Resolutions. The New Year itself always seemed like such an arbitrary date, and like all arbitrarily assigned dates, I’ve never really understood what makes it so different from the 365 others. If I were expected to make New Year’s Resolutions, then I should be just as expected to make April 7th Resolutions or October 19th Resolutions. As one of my friends’ tweets so well put it, I do what I want, when I want.
This year is a little different. I feel the need for something to mark the end of something and the beginning of something else. At the end of 2009, I was weary, tired and just plain burnt-out. 2009 marked the end of a relationship, the success of a huge summer job and the beatings of a difficult semester. For the first time, I wanted nothing to do with things that happened in the previous year and only wanted to focus on the shiny new year in front of me. For the first time, I wanted the mark of the New Year to hold meaning. So here goes, my first attempt at a common undertaking.
#1 Recognize beauty; learn to love it
I want to be able to revel in the fact that what I do on a daily basis holds beauty and meaning in and of itself. Just taking the time to truly taste food, to truly listen to people, to truly see the world. There is beauty all around me and it’s much to easy to get caught up in the urgency of things to realize it.
#2 Abs of steel
Colleen Thomas is one of my dance professors; she is probably 5′3” and barely 110 pounds. Without a doubt, she could easily lift anybody in my dance class, including a 200 pound twenty-year-old. Colleen is especially known for her “Colleen sit-ups”, which has even stumped Bill T. Jones. This resolution is not only to become a master of these mythical sit-ups, but also to become the best dancer I could possibly be.
#3 Let Girl meet Boy. Let Love happen.
This year, I need to meet new people. I need to meet new guys. I need to like at least some of these guys. It’s hard to make this priority in college, but hey, it’s gotta get done sometime. L has already told me that I should stop pining over Bboy A and she’s right. So the plan: meet Boy, date Boy, let myself fall for Boy, happily ever after.
#4 Change
Big D is the first person I met who enjoyed change so much. He is still probably the one person I know who can handle change so well. Change is inevitable. Change is good. So I resolve, again, to engage in change this year. To be less intense (in the scary way). To be free (from doubt and uncertainty). To be creative (in activities that feed that soul). To be open-minded (to new opportunities). To be focused (on what I need to do). To be successful (in what I want to do). To be happy (with who I am).
past
January 8, 2010I think I feel lost in this city. Montreal, that is. I think I feel lost despite living here for 14 years, despite having my family and home, despite having some of my closest friends nearby.
It’s a kind of lost that I haven’t felt in a while. I think it goes back to Big D, and how lost I felt in this city when we first broke up. My history with Montreal is so deeply entwined with relationships of my past… friends, lovers, family. These relationships have become relics of my Montreal, stagnant pieces in a stagnant scene.
For the first time since leaving, I have found myself changed. Changed in a way that I can no longer find my place in the comfortable groove of home, or feel completely effortless when catching up with friends. It’s sad to see change and also the lack of it. Big D is different, Emo A is not. I am different, my brother is not. I hate those of us who’ve changed for leaving the others behind and I blame the others for their inertia.
Today, I found myself breathing a sigh of relief when I finally slipped my earphones back on and tuned out the rest of this city. I think I may have had enough of Montreal. Or at least, the ghost of Montreal past.
fears and frustrations
December 13, 2009I had a dream about you last night.
We were waking up one morning, in my bed back in my parents’ house. It was a twin, yet we fit together so well, with your arms around my waist and our fingers cross-hatched. We didn’t know how we got there, but it was like we were used to waking up next to each other every morning, feeling content and brand new. I wasn’t about to question what we were doing until you gave me a letter. The letter explained how you had finally found someone (Casey? Carey?) after breaking up with me two years ago. It explained how happy you were to finally have gotten her to go out with you after liking her so much for so long.
My mother then knocked at the bedroom door and I panicked. The ensuing struggle was confusing; quick and jumbled, half-worded lies were stammered and the hinges of the door came off. My mom saw you in my bed. And then, I woke up.
The panic continued to take hold of me in my half-conscious state, and I frantically tried to come up with excuses and pleas as to why I had a naked white boy in my bed. In my dorm room bed, I felt the familiar tension of fear in my stomach and the dread of facing my mother again. It is surprisingly how guilty I still feel. 3 years after Big D, the 21-year-old I’ve become still cannot confront her mother with a boyfriend that hasn’t been approved. I started to doubt if will ever be a time in which that fear leaves me in peace and gives me the freedom to love someone my mother dislikes. It’s a scary feeling, and I wonder, will I always be bound to these expectations?
Throughout the day, I kept returning to the letter you handed me. It’s funny that the way we communicate in my dreams is so similar to how we did in real life… I felt waves and waves of sadness wash over me today, for no reason other than the you in my dreams found someone else, definitively. Definitively. It’s a strange feeling, and I wonder, will I ever be okay with it?
cruel and unusual
November 25, 2009First midterm of the semester: October 8.
Last midterm of the semester: November 24.
By my calculations, that’s over a month and a half of studying, stress and sleep-deprivation. I think Columbia is out to get me.
many returns
November 25, 2009This past couple of weeks, Carsick Cars has been touring the USA. They’re a Beijing rock band that I discovered during Summer of 2008; a plan that goes as far back as 2006, when Big D and I were making plans that were bigger than ourselves. I had asked Big D to come study Chinese with me in China for the summer, not really knowing what I was hoping to accomplish with that awkward invite. He responded by sending me a thick guidebook and a note – cordial and brief.
I read that guidebook cover to cover for weeks leading up to my trip, studying it as if it were a dense Physics textbook. Beijing is a city full of culture and history and yet my #1 place to visit was a virtually unknown music bar, D-22. Big D was the first to introduce me to the underground music scene and the thrill of moshing with strangers. D-22 was a return to that kind of elation, an excuse to lose myself in the pounding of the speakers, an intoxicating promise of the smoke-filled locales where most of the sweat on your shirt isn’t your own.
Hey, B? How do you deal with break-ups…?
Relationships are nice, but not necessary.
Now, you could do all the things you want to do.
I confess the need to do things to impress him. Things that will serve as a reminder that yes, I am still awesome, and yes, you were stupid to let me go. Carsick Cars and D-22 were always some kind of relic from summer past, a throwback I can’t help but send to him, in hopes of getting something (anything) in return.
Carsick Cars performed in NYC on four separate occasions in the past three weeks, and for each performance I could never make it there in time to catch a glimpse of my summer romance. Perhaps the fates have finally seen my twisted motivations and decided to purge me of my heavy baggage. I’m not sure when Carsick Cars will return to NYC, or if I will be able to catch them live ever again. But when “Zhong Nan Hai” comes on and I shut my eyes at the right moments… it’s like I never left that summer behind.
asian lesbians, WHAT.
November 15, 2009I haven’t had a good Friday night for a long time. This weekend was a lifesaver.
Indie C and I were itching to do something, which turned into movie night. With Ajisen Ramen. And Magic Hat. To top it all off, the movie was fabulous, aside from the cliche’d ending. It was great to be able to relate to a movie so closely, and we had a jovial (yes somewhat saddenned) hypothetical conversation about how our own parents would react if we told them we were gay or pregnant. (Pregnant would go over so much better. Clearly the lesser of two evils in the eyes of an Asian parent.)
all the single ladies
November 12, 2009Today is International Singles’ Day. Best invention ever, right? There is so much about that Wikipedia article that makes me happy.
First of all, leave it up to China to come up with something like that. I’ve always admired the way Chinese culture, despite repressions/oppressions of many kinds, has been able to handle Western taboos with such blunt honesty. You could always count on Chinese people to ask you about your salary, your health/weight, and your relationship status. All within 15 minutes of meeting you for the first time.
I also love the bit about the traditions for this “holiday”.
The main way to celebrate Singles Day is to have dinner with your single friends, but it’s important that each person pay their own way to show their independence. People also hold ‘blind date’ parties in an attempt to bid goodbye to their single lives.
Chinese people have always had the habit to congregate at any occasion. The collective nature of the Chinese people has been… well, troublesome, most of the time (see: Great Leap Forward, Cultural Revolution, etc). When it comes to relationships, it’s not uncommon for people to mobilize friends, family and colleagues to find that suitable mate. My parents have often hinted that, should I run into any issues “finding someone”, I should go to them for help. I dread the day I have to sit through a date set up by my parents.
rock, rock on.
November 7, 2009I really enjoyed the rock scene in Beijing last year, when I went to a music bar owned by a Columbia alum (D-22). It was especially cool to see Carsick Cars live; the drummer chick was so awesome.
My friends went to the Chinese Underground Invasion Tour tonight. I had to study for an Econ midterm.
