embrace!

her: Today apparently is Embrace your Geekness Day.

me: Everyday is “embrace your geekness” day for me.

gradesgradesgrades

I got a B+ in Java Programming, ranked 90th out of 194 students.

B+ isn’t a bad grade, really. It means that I”m ahead of the curve, and at a place like Columbia (where I sometimes lose sleep over the intellect of others) it’s something that I can realistically hope for. B+  is a good job, a pat on the back, a semester well spent learning something that I’ve more or less mastered.

The problem is, I can’t help but cringe at a B+. Not only because I actually had a dream that I was ranked 70th and that the first 71 students in the class got an A, but because I worked damn hard on all those problem sets. The success I felt every time my programs compiled was greater than whatever sense of accomplishment I could get from a B+.

A B+ is a mediocre grade, and I refuse to be mediocre. I guess if you looked at my entire transcript this semester, a B+ isn’t bad in light of the fact that I took 27 credits. But the truth of the matter is, I bombed that final exam. I spent the time gossiping about things like Azia Kim and G. Michael Guy instead of going over static methods. And maybe it was poor judgment that got me this mediocrity, but maybe I was just stretched too thin.

It’s hard to realize when my limits are, mostly because I’m pretty awesome, but also because I refuse to settle for less than my best. The grades I got this semester weren’t awful, but they weren’t stellar either. I’m not sure how I’d present it to my parents, my Academic Advisor (who really told me to stop taking so many classes), myself. And how am I going to learn from this when I’m still signed up for 23 credits next semester?

illusions

So I asked my mother why she hated Big D so much. It wasn’t something out of the blue, it was actually something that came out of a conversation about the state of marriage between my parents, and how me seeing Big D behind her back while my father was away really drove her insane and stressed her out.

According to my mother, Big D was unambitious, and even if he was ambitious, his intellect would have not be sufficient to carry out any ambition.

My mother is very bad at reading people. She can hardly tell if I’m lying most of the time. But it was definitely a sad conversation for me, because ambition and intellect are things that I worry about in Bboy A all the time. Maybe I am my mother’s daughter, but in that case, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell my parents about him.

sensitive matter

Me: My grades this semester have been coming in one by one and it’s making my GPA behave like the stock market.

Him: Well, the stock market isn’t doing so well these days…

Me: Shut up. I hate you.

homecoming

I came back to Montreal last night, on another agonizingly long bus ride. I read and slept for the most of the way, but as soon as we got close enough to the city for me to recognize the highway exit, I turned off the reading light and just sat there, enjoying my return to a city that means to much to me.

It’s a strange mix of fear and love each time I come back, because Montreal holds so much history for me, somewhat painful at times. I think of Big D, I think of my insane parents, I think of the hardships of college applications and clandestine rendez-vous. Because the me coming back from New York, from Beijing, from France is never the same person as the me who left Montreal not so long ago. And it’s scary to try and figure out how this new person fits in with the old life I left behind.

I come back this semester as an insane student who took 10 classes without telling her parents, as the girlfriend of a bboy from Philly, as the ex of Big D, as the new NSOP coordinator for Columbia… I’m not sure who I was when I last left, but it was definitely someone in a different mindset.

on lumberjacks and heartbreakers

Big D. Grew. A. Beard.

Wow.

I was told, just not long ago, by Emo-tastic A that Big D was definitely the better looking of the two in the relationship. First of all, really? I mean, I’m not that easy on the eyes, but … really? I never thought that he was hot stuff… In any case, that balance is finally thrown out the window, because he’s got massive facial hair right now… and his hair is pretty long… It’s rather strange, but I guess… It’s a good change for him… good change for us?

Or maybe not. Because now I can’t stop thinking of him… and his new look as a lumberjack.

We’ve been emailing back and forth a couple of times now, and I have been almost regularly sending him picture text messages. I’m reluctant to tell him about Bboy A… would it seem like I was rubbing it in his face? (Honestly, maybe I am, a little.) Or is it because I’m not actually over D… and basically lied to A when I said I wouldn’t get back with Big D if given the chance… (in a I’m-scared-shitless kind of way, maybe.)

no regrets, right?

on the topic of me being rejected from United World Colleges

him: I can see how you would be the perfect UWC candidate.

me: Really? Why?

him: Because you’re suffocatingly enthusiastic about everything.

弱智

So I spent the last 10 minutes discussion a complex dilemma with Indie C and Nerdy B regarding my energy levels and whether or not I should try to make it to that Probability class (I know, 4th week of classes and I’m already trying to play hooky). When we finally decided that I should try to get to class, we had to explore other options of keeping me awake. It went down in a pretty ridiculous fashion…

Indie C: I think you should get coffee and go to class.

Me: Ok… but I’d hate to crash from coffee… and it’s like 6 o’clock already.

C: Well, then, just get some tea.

M: Tried that.. and I still almost fell asleep in Java. Why don’t I get decaf coffee?

Nerdy B: Doesn’t that defeat the purpose?

M: No! I mean, I just want a little bit of caffeine, since I’m not used to it… there is still a small amount of caffeine in decaf! They can’t get all of it out.

B: Yeah, but I don’t think trace amounts actually count.

M: Well, I’m pretty sensitive to caffeine… and plus, placebo effect, hello?!

C: You’re trying to get caffeinated from decaf? That is so messed up.

Eventually, after more back-and-forths and me laughing my ass off because I’m stupid like that, I finally got some hot chocolate. Yum.

08-08-08

on the topic that Bboy A and I got together on the day that Big D and I were “planning” to get married.

Emo-tastic A: You’ve got like, some kind of weird obsession with 8, eh?

Me: Yeah, I guess.

A: Is it like some kind of food fetish? Like, the past tense of eat?

M: Or oral sex.

Is this it?

So I just got off skype with Emo-tastic A… after talking to him for waaaaaay too long. -___-”
And I was all pensive and shit about crap that is way too complicated.
(Talking to my past has that effect on me sometimes. Damnit.)
And I’m kind of freaking out because I have so much work to do tomorrow it’s unreal.

Fuck. What am I doing?

I learned tonight that I’m not completely over Big D, that he was some kind of big shot in high school, that he was the better looking of us two… It’s not that I’d want to get back together with him… at this point, it’s hardly possible and it would be so destructive for me. But maybe I just miss our physicality? The way we connected? Will it get better between me and Bboy A? Was it ever this… awkward… or… whatever this is with Big D?

Bboy A told me that he missed me over the phone today, and even though I missed him a lot today, I just couldn’t say it. I tell him all the time, though text messages, e-mails… but putting it into words is a lot harder than either of those. Maybe it’ll remind me too much of the sweet words between me and Big D… I stared at Bboy A’s lips the last time we made out, from the nose down, he looks exactly like Big D… maybe all boys do. Making out with Bboy A is messy, jarred, and at times… too urgent. Maybe I just need to give it time. But, do I like him enough to give us that luxury?

Long distance relationships bite. One-sided relationships suck even more. Thanks, Big D.